Nonviolent Communication: The Foundation for Intimacy in Couples Work

One of the first things I tell my couples clients is that intimacy—true emotional connection—can’t grow without a solid foundation of healthy communication. And when it comes to communication, Nonviolent Communication (NVC) by Marshall Rosenberg is one of the best tools out there. It’s not just about “talking nicely” or avoiding fights—it’s about rewiring the way we express our needs, listen to each other, and create safety in our relationships.

But let’s be honest: a lot of traditional communication advice doesn’t work for couples in distress. When emotions are high, logic tends to take a back seat, and partners end up in patterns of defensiveness, blame, or shutting down. This is where NVC becomes a game changer. Instead of reacting from a place of fear or frustration, NVC teaches couples how to respond with clarity and compassion.

The Four Steps of NVC (in Real Talk)

Rosenberg breaks communication down into four steps:

1. Observation (Stick to the Facts)

Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I noticed that when I was sharing earlier, you looked at your phone.” The goal here is to describe what happened without adding judgment or assumptions. This keeps the conversation from spiraling into defensiveness.

2. Feelings (Own Your Emotions)

Instead of, “You make me feel unimportant,” reframe it as, “I felt hurt when that happened.” Notice the shift? You’re taking responsibility for your emotions rather than blaming your partner.

3. Needs (Get to the Core of It)

Underneath every argument is an unmet need. Maybe it’s the need for connection, respect, reassurance, or autonomy. Instead of focusing on what your partner did wrong, try identifying what you really need: “I need to feel heard and valued when we talk.”

4. Requests (Be Clear and Direct)

This is where many couples struggle. A request should be specific and doable, not vague or demanding. Instead of, “You need to start paying more attention to me,” try, “Can we set aside 15 minutes tonight to check in without distractions?” This makes it easier for your partner to understand what you’re asking for—and actually follow through.

Why NVC Matters for Intimacy

Most couples don’t struggle with communication—they struggle with safety. If one or both partners don’t feel emotionally safe, even the smallest disagreement can turn into a battle or withdrawal. NVC helps create that safety by shifting conversations from blame to understanding. When both partners feel heard and valued, intimacy naturally follows.

This is why I have my couples clients read Nonviolent Communication before diving deeper into intimacy work. Without this foundation, it’s nearly impossible to navigate the deeper layers of emotional and physical connection.

Putting It into Practice

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Okay, but what about when my partner is the one reacting badly?”—I get it. It’s not about being perfect. NVC isn’t about controlling your partner’s reactions; it’s about modeling a healthier way to communicate. And when one person starts shifting, the dynamic often follows.

So next time you’re feeling frustrated, try pausing and running through these four steps before responding. Over time, this practice can turn even the most difficult conversations into moments of connection rather than conflict. And that is what builds lasting intimacy.